Proclaimer Blog
Sex, marriage and ministry
Another day. Another fall from grace. I'll spare you the details. But it is another marriage and another minstry ruined. Tears. Grief.
It brings into sharp focus a seminar that Mrs R and I ran at our recent summer wives' conference entitled Sex, Ministry and Marriage. In it we tried to outline the importance (well Mrs R did, I only stayed for part of the seminar) of healthy sex in a ministry marriage. For my part, I got to the man bit – and here it is. Sex is essential (not too strong a word – see 1 Corinthians 7.1-4) in any marriage, but it is brought into sharp focus in ministry marriages. Here are my six reasons why this is so (bear in mind that this was written for ministers' wives, but you will get the point):
- he needs reminding about his work. If, as I believe, sex is a picture of the intimacy that exists between Christ and the church (Eph 5) then, properly understood, sex should act as a reminder to a minister about the nature of his work – i.e. it is about Christ and the church. It is not about him.
- he must model godly marriage. Ministers must watch their lives and doctrine closely. By them he will save himself and his hearers. The minister's marriage must model godliness to the congregation. He is not perfect of course, but he must seek to teach others by his life and his proclamation.
- he faces very focused temptations. Satan will try to trip up the minister in this area because it always has devastating consequences.
- he has unusual female relationships. Even if the minister (and I hope this is true) does not counsel women directly, he will know things about them that would not be part of a normal relationship. He may be aware that there are problems in a marriage, childlessness, temptation, sin, a sinful past and so on. These bits of information make the relationships he has with women in the congregation unusual (though not wrong). That unusualness brings intimacy which can lead in all sorts of unhelpful directions.
- his position makes him particularly attractive. Leadership involves power (of the good kind) necessarily, Power of any kind makes a man attractive.
“I’m the fattest, ugliest pastor I know. But when I stand up the front, for reasons that are beyond me, I become strangely attractive to some women in the congregation” (anonymous pastor)
- he requires emotional and physical release. Many preachers can't sleep, especially on Saturday evenings. Sex is for mutual comfort as the prayer book says – and this includes the very scientific fact that it is both an emotional and physical valve.
“My husband preaches his best sermons when we have good sex the night before” (anonymous pastor’s wife)
I hope all this isn't too direct and uncomfortable for you, but sometimes things need to be said.